I’ve picked up this annoying habit of classifying babies as “free” or “not free.”
“Oh my gosh, Kristo, you make it sound like people buy children off the black market ha ha ha”
But… am I wrong?
Sure, it might not be off the black market, but people do buy children. It’s what I am doing.
When I think about expanding our family, it doesn’t revolve around daydreams of tiny baby toes or the smell of powder. It doesn’t focus on gummy, toothy, milk-drunk smiles. At least, not anymore.
Thinking about expanding our family revolves around spreadsheets and budgeting tools. It revolves around calculators and FSA accounts and numbers that start to swim together on the screen as my eyes well up with tears.
My baby will not be free.
I spoke with one *ahem* friend, who said something along the lines of “Like, OMG people who can’t, like, afford infertility treatment obviously can’t afford a baby LOLZ.” (okay, maybe she didn’t say it like that, but I needed you to feel the eyeroll I held back.
This is how I responded:
Me: I got tickets to go on that gameshow, and I won a car!
Her: OMG, I am like, SO jealous of you! I need a new car!
Me: Ugh, well it’s not THAT great; I still totally have to pay for the insurance and taxes on it.
Her: Well yeah, I’m sure that can get like, super expensive but like, you got it for free! You can give it to me instead! I can totally afford insurance and stuffs, I just totally can’t afford the price of getting the car. LOLZ.
Me: Well, if you can’t afford to buy a new car, you obviously can’t afford the cost of maintaining the car, so you better just not get a car.
Still me: Just like IVF and having a baby. I can afford to take care of a baby, but I’d have to pay to get pregnant AND to take care of the kid.
She has three free babies.
I’ve paid several thousand on a baby that doesn’t exist yet.