What Doesn’t Kill You…

They say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It’s a pretty broad statement that can be applied to many different circumstances. Specifically, I’ve heard it attributed to marriage. If a tough circumstance doesn’t end your marriage, it ends up making the bond stronger.

It’s a lovely thought, but it’s really only true in hindsight. What it doesn’t refer to, is when you are in the thick of it. When you’re in the middle of the hard stuff and you don’t know if you are dying or if you are being polished.

Infertility SUCKS. Miscarriage SUCKS. It’s been rough on the marriage. Maybe we made a poor decision by trying for a baby immediately after getting married. Maybe we should have bonded more. Maybe we should have considered the implications of what that means before we dove in. But we didn’t. So here we are, two years later, seriously struggling. We struggle with getting pregnant, we struggle with staying pregnant, and we struggle with our marriage.

It feels so one-sided, sometimes. I feel like I am full speed ahead and doing everything under the sun and moon to get this to work. And my husband is laid back just waiting for the stars to align. It’s infuriating and difficult.

Sometimes I question our marriage. If we can’t handle this, can we handle kids? On one hand, just getting pregnant would fix everything. But would it be a band-aid to underlying problems or would it be an actual solution?

I know some day I will look back and say that the mountain we are currently facing was huge. But will I be saying that after it’s killed us, or after we are solidified and strong? Sure, what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger. But that doesn’t help me while it’s hurting so bad right now. Where are we headed? Am I going to crest the peak of this mountain, only to find it drops off as a cliff where I fall to marital death? Or will I crest the peak and see it’s an easy trot to marital paradise below?

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